Letters to Heaven (#1)
Dear Chotte,
3 years, huh! Sigh... Time flies but does not always heal.
How is it there? Are you in peace, as they say?
I have been meaning to write to you for a real long time now, glad its happening tonight, of all the days. Well, how else would you know what am I up to, down here?
I miss you. I wish there were a deeper synonym for that word.
How can I forget that horrifying morning I woke up to, and I was so sure you were still alive, that I actually prayed you would come back. We will have to live with the mystery until we come meet you up there. I know you wanted to live; you had your own share of dreams, I know it was not your fault. You'd never want to hurt us. I just wished you looked better when we bid you goodbye; if only...
So? Where do you want me to start? What do you want to hear?
Funny, I ask when I know I cant hear you anymore. But this is the only other mode of communication I can have with you, apart from looking up at the stars and hoping that you are right next to me everywhere I go. Call it whatever you want, I just want to talk to you and this is the only way I can think of.
Anyways, since you have gone silent, I shall answer them all. And I shall keep this small and happy.
Lets start with the bitter half -
Nakul took his life few months ago. Shocking, right? I cannot bring myself to be in peace with him. You were a shocker of a lifetime, but taking one's own life for whatsoever reason makes absolute no sense. It hurts because he made us all feel guilty, rather angry.
And about work, well I cannot really say much. After you left, I made up my mind to make up for the lost time and do things that I love. And I do not regret one bit, just that I did not get lucky enough. I gave in easily, for the obvious reason that I loved what I was doing. In return, I lost a lot of my mind and energy. Yes, I am still featherweight.
I tried getting into a relationship but again, you know how unlucky I am.
The world has its own definition of relationships - be it friendship, acquaintances, a life partner or just a random connection. Some of them cannot live without people around them, some choose to live detached. I have no idea where I stand. There was a point in life where I thoroughly enjoyed being by myself, living in my small world. It would have lasted happier and longer if I just wasn't pressurized this much. I cannot exactly share it with you because it will upset you but honestly, I had no clue it would drown me to this extent. It's like I am tired; tired of giving and loosing. Why can't something just last, Anish? Why make it all seem like it is real, then one fine day take everything away from you and make you believe that it is all an illusion? Gawd! I just wish you were here, Anish!
Now, the better half-
I have been okay. Past 3 years have been interesting; 3 years is quite some time, you see.
Music has been a good healer throughout the while. Oh! Those days when we'd fight over who played better songs, while Bhai would just sit back and laugh at us. Cooking, on the other hand, has become therapy for me; I cook a lot better than before. And yes, I have done my share of traveling too. Just last month I checked off my long awaited, much dreamed destination - Himachal. All through the mountains and valleys, you were on my mind the entire time. I cannot express how overwhelming the trip was, and the fact that you weren't able to witness such beauty or be a part of some insane adventure, only hurts. You deserved it, Anish. You deserved a lot more.
Apart from that, I have made a good bunch of friends too! Remember, I had told you about the trek I did when I came down to Bangalore? So it started off with just weekend meetups, and now, with all the guys married, we have made a small family sorts here. Then there's this other group, votrashi connection. The only thing that bound me to them, their origin - Mangalore.
That is pretty much the shortest summary I can give you, details will follow in the coming letters.
I dream of you once in a while. And you are smart enough to choose just the right days. The Rakshabandan dream was a surprise, thank you.
Do not ask me to get over you, Anish. It might seem like I am holding on to you, but there is nothing left to loose! Handful of memories, some hugs and those few kisses, are all I have to cherish for the rest of my life (however short or long that may be)
Just come down for a day, please? Half a day at least! I just long to see you. I want to cook for you, go to Puttur on a train with you, put you to sleep on my lap and just trip with you! See, I do not even have a photograph of ours that I can put up here!
That's all I can write for tonight.
Love you more,
Rest in Peace.
--
P. S - I have enough people around I can trust or count on. But meh, the world is too crowded to be in. When the need really arises, I just look up to you and talk it out. Its this beautiful feeling, that I know you are out there for me, looking after me. Thank you.
3 years, huh! Sigh... Time flies but does not always heal.
How is it there? Are you in peace, as they say?
I have been meaning to write to you for a real long time now, glad its happening tonight, of all the days. Well, how else would you know what am I up to, down here?
I miss you. I wish there were a deeper synonym for that word.
How can I forget that horrifying morning I woke up to, and I was so sure you were still alive, that I actually prayed you would come back. We will have to live with the mystery until we come meet you up there. I know you wanted to live; you had your own share of dreams, I know it was not your fault. You'd never want to hurt us. I just wished you looked better when we bid you goodbye; if only...
So? Where do you want me to start? What do you want to hear?
Funny, I ask when I know I cant hear you anymore. But this is the only other mode of communication I can have with you, apart from looking up at the stars and hoping that you are right next to me everywhere I go. Call it whatever you want, I just want to talk to you and this is the only way I can think of.
Anyways, since you have gone silent, I shall answer them all. And I shall keep this small and happy.
Lets start with the bitter half -
Nakul took his life few months ago. Shocking, right? I cannot bring myself to be in peace with him. You were a shocker of a lifetime, but taking one's own life for whatsoever reason makes absolute no sense. It hurts because he made us all feel guilty, rather angry.
And about work, well I cannot really say much. After you left, I made up my mind to make up for the lost time and do things that I love. And I do not regret one bit, just that I did not get lucky enough. I gave in easily, for the obvious reason that I loved what I was doing. In return, I lost a lot of my mind and energy. Yes, I am still featherweight.
I tried getting into a relationship but again, you know how unlucky I am.
The world has its own definition of relationships - be it friendship, acquaintances, a life partner or just a random connection. Some of them cannot live without people around them, some choose to live detached. I have no idea where I stand. There was a point in life where I thoroughly enjoyed being by myself, living in my small world. It would have lasted happier and longer if I just wasn't pressurized this much. I cannot exactly share it with you because it will upset you but honestly, I had no clue it would drown me to this extent. It's like I am tired; tired of giving and loosing. Why can't something just last, Anish? Why make it all seem like it is real, then one fine day take everything away from you and make you believe that it is all an illusion? Gawd! I just wish you were here, Anish!
Now, the better half-
I have been okay. Past 3 years have been interesting; 3 years is quite some time, you see.
Music has been a good healer throughout the while. Oh! Those days when we'd fight over who played better songs, while Bhai would just sit back and laugh at us. Cooking, on the other hand, has become therapy for me; I cook a lot better than before. And yes, I have done my share of traveling too. Just last month I checked off my long awaited, much dreamed destination - Himachal. All through the mountains and valleys, you were on my mind the entire time. I cannot express how overwhelming the trip was, and the fact that you weren't able to witness such beauty or be a part of some insane adventure, only hurts. You deserved it, Anish. You deserved a lot more.
Apart from that, I have made a good bunch of friends too! Remember, I had told you about the trek I did when I came down to Bangalore? So it started off with just weekend meetups, and now, with all the guys married, we have made a small family sorts here. Then there's this other group, votrashi connection. The only thing that bound me to them, their origin - Mangalore.
That is pretty much the shortest summary I can give you, details will follow in the coming letters.
I dream of you once in a while. And you are smart enough to choose just the right days. The Rakshabandan dream was a surprise, thank you.
Do not ask me to get over you, Anish. It might seem like I am holding on to you, but there is nothing left to loose! Handful of memories, some hugs and those few kisses, are all I have to cherish for the rest of my life (however short or long that may be)
Just come down for a day, please? Half a day at least! I just long to see you. I want to cook for you, go to Puttur on a train with you, put you to sleep on my lap and just trip with you! See, I do not even have a photograph of ours that I can put up here!
That's all I can write for tonight.
Love you more,
Rest in Peace.
--
P. S - I have enough people around I can trust or count on. But meh, the world is too crowded to be in. When the need really arises, I just look up to you and talk it out. Its this beautiful feeling, that I know you are out there for me, looking after me. Thank you.
That Feeling, That Moment, when you go back to the memories after seeing/reading something nostalgic…
ReplyDeleteI went back to those sweet memories… Thank you Vij’esss.
It kinda reminded me the letters that i wrote to my Grandparents. sometimes i used to sketch on those letters.
I believe Chotte wouldn’t have left you… with that deep & strong feeling you have for him…
you dream of something when your subconscious is thinking about it or you have a very strong attachment to it (its just my experience)
I often dream of a very few people dear to me, sometimes i cry in those dreams. don’t know why, don’t remember why.
Thank you for the returning those memories.
(it feels like a one sided love no? When the other person doesn't have a damn clue who the hell you are)